Not in a million years have I ever thought that I will be back in Bandung so soon. For I have planned not to come home for one full year -after all the opportunity to travel around Japan is rare, I'd like to benefit from it as much as possible -. But here I am, in front of my mothers notebook, writing a current post to explain what happened, not just to you but mostly to myself.
Monday night my boyfriend contacted me about something urgent, I had no clue what so ever of what was happening, so I was extremely puzzled when he told me to come home –it is so unlikely for him to ask of such thing-.
He said my father was in the emergency room. He was in a critical condition, and I should come home as soon as possible.
My boyfriends description about my Dads condition was unclear so I conveniently concluded that his condition was not serious and that I still had time to go home –I thought I had 1 or 2 more days-. That night after having no further information from my boyfriend I decided to sleep it off, because I knew that no matter what happens, I will need every strength for the day after.
Then I woke up early in the morning and I checked my cell phone and there it was –written in one of the text messages I received while I was sleeping-: my dad was gone –he died about two hours earlier-.
So there it is, he died.
My dad is a good person. I cant explain it in any other word. He is unbelievably dramatic and loves to exaggerate; which somehow I find to be both his curse and his charm. He is eccentric and wise, funny but also cruel, polite but sometimes so real and harsh it hurts. He was everything; for me he was my world, someone I looked up to but hated both the same. I guess in one word; I love him. I always will.
All the way back to Indonesia I could not help but think of him and everything he gave to me. He gave me his point of view, his knowledge, his experience, his love, he gave me everything I never asked for. I was his life, he always said to me, his best accomplishment.
I felt so alone that day, for every time something bad happened to me I always knew that he was there for me, in thick and thin; although sometimes he can be so very harsh but he always stood by me. And now he was gone.
When I arrived at Jakarta I was greeted by my friends at the airport, they all came to pick me up and to accompany me back home to Bandung, and I instantly felt so lucky I had them. I have no brothers and no sisters, now I only have my Mom and the family I made for my self-my friends- and it felt comforting that I really did have friends, that they were not imaginary and that they were there when I needed them –right there at the airport-. My father would be so proud of me and he would be so happy to know I have them.
As soon as I got home I noticed that everything back home reminds me of him, and I miss him so badly.
My dad always said to me to not be afraid because there is never a need to be. He said to me that I will always have God with me. People can disappoint me, and people can die, nothing ever lasts forever, but I will always have God, he said; so don't be afraid. So I am not afraid Daddy, I know that I should not be.
But although I am not afraid I still love you Dad, for every moment I had you with me, I am grateful. And I have no regrets. Thank you for everything. Hopefully I will meet you again when the time is right. Love you.
(My Dad: November 8, 1956- November 16, 2010)