When I was growing up I had this idea stuck in my head, I always thought that in order to be strong you have to fall big time. I think its pretty much the no pain no gain principle. So when I was growing up I knew that with my background, it would be difficult for me to have that hunger for life, because I had it all.
I had a good family, with parents who loved me and had plenty of time to love me. I had a good childhood, with those play times, colors, travelling and everything else you could possibly wish for. I had a lot of friends, sometimes too many I could handle. and I was happy.
But I knew that in order to grow one has to strive and to fall. So I wondered when my time was, when my falling would begin. I almost felt like captain Huck who always heard that tick of clock following him, knowing that that crocodile would someday come to eat him. but unlike him, I was ready for it, I wanted it to happen -or so I thought-.
I always look at those people who fall and rise to the occasion enviously, thinking that they would benefit from it, become stronger in person and learn lessons money could not pay for. where as I have to content with what I know, having everything. I wonder how it was possible to grow as a person if you had no experience of falling.
People say be careful what you wish for, for it might come true. And it did. In my happy life where I had everything and achieved pretty much everything I wanted, I finally hit that big rock, where things started to fall apart. And everything was not quite as I imagined it. it was not as hard as I thought it would be.
I always thought that when that time of struggle comes, it would be bloody and really really hard, but if this really is my time to fall, and I think it is, its actually pretty civilized. I might actually say that when it happened, when you actually lost what was dearest to you, it makes things pretty clear. its like an opening in the sky where you suddenly see everything in front of you in a new way. And its relieving.
I'm not saying that I am not sad to loose my Dad, but hey, things happen and life moves on. And for the first time in my life I know that what ever happens later on in life, I might be able to get through it -because I know I have it in me.